Trust Issues
by Valkyrie Shepherd
Summary: Joker has some trouble trusting people, even the new commander of the Normandy. Can Lorelei Shepard help him get past this?


Trust issues

Getting to know a new crew was always an awkward affair. There was Kaiden, with his shy, slightly standoffish nature, and biotic migraines. Ashley, who was clearly uneasy about aliens. Garrus and Wrex, two aliens that made Ashley uneasy. As Lorelei Shepard had been riding the slow elevator through her ship she realized that there was a very important crew member she had not gotten to know yet. Which was why she then found herself standing behind the seat of the Normandy's pilot, being berated by aforementioned officer.

"I can see where this is going," Joker scoffed when she asked if he would tell her more about him. "You did a background check on me, didn't you? Well, I'll tell you the same thing I told the captain. You want _me_ as your pilot. I'm not good. I'm not even great. I am the best damn helmsman in the Alliance Fleet! Top of my class in flight school? I earned that. All those commendations in my file? I earned every single one! Those weren't given to me as charity for my disease!"

Lorelei had actually taken a few steps back, so fierce was his reply to her simple inquiry. Finally her mind was able to focus in on something he had said, even as she still blinked in astonishment. His disease? He didn't look sick. Maybe a little on the small side, but he was a pilot, not an N7, so she didn't expect someone rippling with muscles. She tilted her head slightly, "I'm sorry Joker," she said, "Are you sick?"

He stopped, mouth actually open to continue his rant, which she had just derailed with a simple question. "You mean...you mean you didn't know? Aw crap," he seemed to deflate. His shoulders became less squared and he slouched in his chair. "Ok," he tone became slightly tired. "I've got Vrolik's syndrome. Brittle bone disease. The bones in my legs never developed properly, they're basically hollow. Too much force and they'll shatter. Even with crutches and my leg braces it's hard to get around. One wrong step and CRACK! Very dramatic." he rattled off the words as though he had spoken them a thousand times and hated every rendition. However, his tone did soften slightly when he saw that she was still standing back, looking slightly alarmed. "I've learned to manage my condition commander," he said gently, nodding to indicate she could come closer. He was done being angry. Carefully Lorelei stepped back to her original position beside his pilot chair. "Put the Normandy in my hands and I'll make her dance for you." A slight smile flickered across his thin lips, "just don't ask me to get up and dance unless, you know, you like the sound of snapping shin bones."

Lorelei chuckled, almost stopping herself, but she was glad to see that he wasn't offended. He'd meant for her to laugh. His green eyes watched her warily from under the brim of his hat. She could practically sense his distrust wafting towards her. She guessed he spent most of his life explaining to people that he could do his job. Well, he'd stumbled across a commander who didn't give a damn if he had brittle bones, or could whistle Dixie out his backside. She wasn't going to question further, but after that moment of hesitation he went on explaining with any prompting from her. No one knew what caused his disease, but he was even breaking bones in his mother's womb. It seemed it wasn't just his legs, but they were the worst. He told her that with crutches and leg braces he could manage to hobble along, but she sensed he didn't like to. She realized she never saw him leave that chair. He probably left it late at night so that no one would see him gimp his way around the ship.

Lorelei folded her arms. She intended to make it clear that he was a good pilot and that was all that mattered to her. The fact that she wasn't interrupting, or, in fact, commenting at all seemed to confuse Joker. He stopped and looked at her again, one eyebrow slightly raised. "What?" he finally demanded.

"I was actually just wondering where you got the nick name Joker," she lied. In fact she had been pondering ways to help the pilot trust her. She had to have the trust of her crew or this ship couldn't run. Not really. Certainly Anderson had their trust, but she needed it too, maybe even more so. She was going to ask these people to go into some pretty dangerous situations and she needed to know that they would want to follow her, not simply be forced.

"Some flight instructor at the academy came up with it," he sighed. "Said I didn't smile enough. He started calling me Joker and the name stuck."

"So it wasn't the sarcasm you like to spout so much?" she asked, giving him a skeptical smile.

"Oddly, no," he smirked. "I worked my ass off in flight school. No one is just going to hand you stuff if you wander around grinning like an idiot."

"Damn," she said, "I was going to rely heavily on the grinning like an idiot card in future negotiations with the council."

He cracked a smile then. A real one. It actually went to his eyes, which crinkled slightly at the corners and made him seem all together more human and friendly. Less like a prickly hedge hog sitting in the pilot seat. Lorelei decided to leave him on that high note. "I supposed I better go, you know, captain this ship," she said, jabbing a finger backwards towards the command center.

"Yeah," he agreed, still smiling slightly, sensing that she was eager for more banter later, "what the hell are you doing up here flapping your jaw for? Get back there and plot us a course to someplace dangerous."

"Hey," she snapped, with mock severity, "who is in charge here?"

"I wouldn't know," smirked Joker. "All I've seen today is some N7 that wandered onto the bridge and won't leave me alone. I think she has a crush on me."

"In your dreams, flyboy," she laughed, risking a quick swat at his hat to push it forward over his eyes. He didn't laugh as he readjusted his cap, but didn't seem overly annoyed either. She took that as a good sign.

Several months and too many adventures to count later, Lorelei again stood behind the pilot's seat. She could once again feel his annoyance wafting off of him, but this time it wasn't aimed at her. She was feeling the same tension as he was and struggled to simply her eyes forward, fixed on the planet ahead. She didn't even look down at Joker, but her mind briefly cast back to all their adventures. All the times she had gone planet-side and he had made sure to have her ship there, ready for pickup, the second she needed him. She recalled how concerned his voice got over the radio when they lost contact for short intervals. Still, when she would come talk to the pilot he seemed guarded. Like he was waiting for something from her. She knew that words were not going to be enough to get him to fully trust her.

"We'll never make it on time on foot! Get us something closer!" Kaiden's tone was sharp and annoyed. It broke Lorelei from her reverie.

"There is no where closer! I've looked!" snarled Navigator Pressly, standing away from his console and glaring at Kaiden.

Lorelei wanted to say something, but she didn't. She let her crew continue to argue about the best way down onto Ilos, where Saren was already setting himself up and probably about eight steps ahead of them. Finally she couldn't bite her tongue any longer. "Drop us in the mako," she said, firmly.

Pressly nixed that as well. "You need at least a hundred meters of open terrain to make a drop like that! The most I can find near Saren is twenty!"

"Twenty meters?" Kaiden asked, his voice still annoyingly raised. Why did the crew think that being louder automatically made you the leader in a situation? "We'll never get close enough for a drop!"

"We have to try," Liara pointed out. Lorelei couldn't help but agree. What the hell kind of choice did they have? Let Saren win?

"Find another landing zone," Kaiden ordered.

Lorelei bristled. Did he think that just because they had slept together he could give orders now? "There is no other landing zone," Pressly retorted unhelpfully.

"The decent angle's too steep," Tali piped up, in a much more civil voice than anyone else was using.

"It's our only option," said Liara uneasily.

Kaiden was still having his own private freakout behind Lorelei, "It's not an option! It's a suicide run! We don't-"

"I can do it."

Lorelei almost didn't hear Joker speak. The pilot stared straight ahead at his work station, hands tensed, fingers ready to fly over the controls and make the ship 'dance'. He was just waiting for the go ahead. Her go ahead. Her faith in him.

"Joker?" she asked. She wanted to be sure he wasn't just speaking up to get the others to stop yelling at one another. She had been tempted to do so only moments before.

"I can do it," his voice was firm. Assured.

Then she knew. This is what he had been waiting for. A show of trust, from her to him. She didn't need him to turn around and meet her eyes, or to say anything more. Instead she smiled slightly, leaning forward as if to check a reading on his console she tapped his hat brim with her fingertips. Barely a touch, but enough so he'd notice the gesture. Then she turned to her people, back in military mode once more. "Gear up and head down to the mako! Joker, drop us right on top of that bastard!"

"Come about, I want to keep that thing in my sights!" Shepard ordered sharply. She was operating the Normandy's main gun as Joker piloted flawlessly into position to line her up for a perfect shot. The geth ship they were going after as a big one. Heavy guns, heavy armor plating, the works. Plus the geth didn't care if you blasted away areas of the ship that were nonessential. It was a pretty pitched fight. Even Garrus and Liara had come to the bridge, wondering what was going on. Normally they just tried to stay out of the way during ship-to-ship firefights, but even with the inertial dampeners and artificial gravity functioning perfectly the Normandy was still rocking and rolling.

Commander Lorelei Shepard, hero of the Citadel and first human spectre, was out in terminus space mopping up the last of the geth that had attacked with Saren. It didn't bother her one bit.

Lorelei was used to the ship's motion, in fact she liked it. She always thought it felt like being on an old earth vessel, riding white caps and swells across the open blue. She took another shot, but at the same moment the geth fired. Normandy bucked and her shot went wide. The geth shot landed and there was a rumble deep in the ship. Lorelei hit a comm button with her thumb, "damage report!"

No answer.

"Garrus, get down there and give me a damage report!" she shouted to her turian companion. He did as he was ordered without hesitation. "Liara, get to the medbay and make sure Chakwas is coping," she said to the asari, who also turned to marched dutifully away.

Alone on the bridge with Joker Lorelei felt like they could really begin to fight. Joker brought the Normandy around again and Shepard had a clean shot this time. She cut a neat swath along the geth ship's hull. Explosions burst from the metal wound. She smiled. She didn't need to tell Joker to bring the ship around again so she could finish the job.

No one was expecting the shot from the geth ship that struck the engine. The ship lurched violently. Loerlei barely remained in her seat. Further back in the command center she heard someone yelp, but what made her struggle to her feet was Joker's cry. The pilot was still in his chair, but he'd been thrown forward against his console. As the ship lurched back again he fell back into his seat.

"Joker?" Lorelei struggled to his side as the ship gave another uneasy sway.

"Damn! Shit! Mother fuck!" Joker gasped one hand working furiously with the controls, his other hand tucked up against his chest. "Port engine is down!," he flicked a switch, "Tali, Adams, see what you can do!" Affirmative replies came through the comm system from the two crack engineers. "Shit, come on baby!" Joker pleaded with the ship.

"Joker!" Lorelei snapped, finally getting his attention. "What can I do?"

"Nothing," the pilot snarled, free hand working furiously.

Lorelei glanced at the limb he held to himself. She didn't like the look of his wrist. It wasn't sitting properly against the bone of his arm. She thought of all the delicate bones in his hand and wrist that might have shattered, and felt slightly sick. Still, the pilot wasn't responding to the pain he must have been in, even if his face had gone extremely pale. He only attention was on the ship. "You can't fly her one handed," Lorelei said firmly. "O'Tolle!" she shouted back to one of her crew, "take the main gun!"

"Yes Ma'am!" the crewman shouted, hurrying to his place.

Lorelei leaned back over Joker's shoulder, still riding the ship's unsteady motions, now with her usual, more practiced grace. "Joker, tell me what to do."

"I c...I can't fly her like this," he mumbled, as though the words were paining him more than his wrist. "You'll have to."

"No way," Lorelei said firmly. "You fly. I'll help. Let's get the Normandy back around for the killing blow."

Joker seemed to gain a new air of confidence at her words, "alright. You be my right hand. You know how to fly these ships right?"

"I took a few classes," she said, stretching down to reach the controls. "When I was a cadet..."

"We're all gunna die," Joker shot her the briefest of grins.

The two of them worked as best they could. She was clumsy and made mistakes, but Joker compensated and gave her verbal instructions the entire time. It was almost as though he was piloting the ship with one hand and his voice. Together they managed to limp the Normandy back around and O'Tolle took the shot. Maybe not as perfect as Lorelei's had been, but it was enough. The geth ship fell back, sparking and shuddering with explosions, before finally drifting like a dead thing towards the gravity of a nearby planet.

Joker slumped in his chair and Lorelei heaved a sigh. "Whew. Mopping up these geth is not as easy as the council made it out to be."

"No kidding," Joker's voice was shaking.

Lorelei felt suddenly guilty that she hadn't checked on him at once. She knelt beside the chair, looking up at his face, which had now gone a little bit green around the edges. "How bad?"

"Bad," he said, gently cradling his arm.

"Come on. We'll get you down to the med bay." she said, reaching under the station where he kept his leg braces and crutches.

Joker looked at the metal appliances and frowned. "No," he said firmly. "Just help me." He held up his good arm and she moved to slide her shoulder under it. Then she stood, pulling him to his feet beside her. He gave a snarl of pain and annoyance.

"You sure?" she asked, glancing sideways at him.

"Yes," he said between gritted teeth.

They made it to the elevator with him leaning against her. The crew watched, but didn't dare comment as the two went slowly, painstakingly, across the bridge. Once safely behind the metal doors Joker slumped and almost fell. "Damn," he muttered. Then he looked up at her, still a hint of playfulness in his eyes, somewhere behind pain and anger. "I might hurl on your boots."

"Please don't," Lorelei said, faking a stern scowl. "Wait until we see Garrus and aim for him."

"Right...fuck. If this thing went any slower it wouldn't be moving at all." She felt him shudder. She should have made him put on his braces. They both knew his leg muscles were barely strong enough to hold him up with her taking on most of his weight.

"We could have taken the stairs," she said, still trying to keep the mood light.

He didn't laugh. She was starting to worry he might pass out. The doors hissed open and both stood for a moment, staring at the space between them and the medbay. It seemed like an hour long trek instead of the walk of a few moments. Joker seemed to weigh this in his mind. Finally he looked up at her, "Just go ahead," he said, guessing what she had been wanting to do.

"You're sure?"

"Dammit, yes," he snarled, gripping her shoulder so tightly she almost winced.

Carefully she bent down, with his arm still about her shoulders, and scooped up his legs. He did his best to make it easy for her. She was surprised by how light he was. She walked easily with him in her arms towards the medbay. She felt unsure about how Joker would take this. She knew he was proud, and she knew how much he was trusting her to let her to this. However, always one to save whatever dignity he could in any situation, he shouted to anyone who would listen, "Commander! I didn't know you felt that way! But honestly, kidnapping your pilot to go make horribly, dirty, kinky love to him is just wrong!"

She had to try very hard not to laugh and drop him by accident. Inside the medbay Lorelei set Joker down on a biobed and stood out of the way so Chakwas could work. She admonished the pilot for not wearing his braces, but seemed less upset when Lorelei assured the doctor that he had been carried most of the way. She did her best to sound annoyed, as though Joker had forced her to carry his spoiled backside the whole time. Joke shot her a thankful glance.

She stayed with him, just off to the side, out of the way. The crew came in a few at a time to report. Finally, when she was sure he was patched up and out of pain, by which time is was rather late at night, she gave him a smile and turned to leave. "Commander," he said, calling her back.

She turned, walking over to the biobed on which he was seated, legs dangling. His broken wrist was now safely in a sling. "What's up Joker?" she asked, keeping her tone casual.

"Thanks," he said quietly. "For helping me fly. We make a pretty good team."

She smiled, "yeah, we do don't we?" then she reached out and tugged his hat brim down over his eyes and left in a hurry, followed by his mock swearing.

Fire exploded out of the bulkheads. The ship shook, then cracked, breaking all around him. He had protected himself with a force field. That enemy ship, whatever it was, certainly not a geth vessel, had torn an ugly wound right through his beautiful ship. Everyone else was in escape pods but Joker. He was still trying to fly a ship with no engines.

"Come on Joker, we have to get out of here!" And then she was beside him. She must have made her away across the split and ruined command deck to reach him. Still, he wouldn't leave. Couldn't leave Normandy. His hands worked furiously at unresponsive controls.

"No," he gasped, taking panicked gulps of the filtered air inside his breathing helmet. The force field was shielding him from space, but he had long since breathed all there was to breath within his little bubble of protection. "I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!" he knew his words were irrational even as he spoke them, but he also knew in his heart he could never leave.

"The Normandy's lost! Going down with the ship won't change that."

How had she known what he was planning? How had she guessed that he had never intended to get off this ship? He looked at his hands, poised over the useless controls. He looked at his right hand. His wrist was perfectly mended so you could never tell it had been shattered, but he remembered. He remembered a commander who had done everything she could then to let him pilot his ship. He knew she would never ask him to leave that chair unless there was no other choice. Finally he nodded, not meeting her dark eyes. "Yeah. Okay. Help me up."

He moved to make it easier for her to help him and caught sight of his scanner, the only thing in his station that was still working. That hulking ship was there again. "They're coming around for another attack!" he gasped.

Shepard moved towards the back of the pilot station to check, at the same moment a beam weapon sliced through the Normandy's hull like butter. Joker felt something in his chest stab with pain. Oh his poor ship! Then the commander was back and she squatted beside him. He put his arm around her shoulder, but she was rushed and he felt something snap, "Ah! Watch the arm!" he gasped as a familiar pain lanced up towards his shoulder. Still he didn't fight her. He didn't dare, because now even he could see how screwed they were.

She tried to help him hobble towards the bridge escape shuttle, but he was going too slow. His legs, without their braces, screamed with pain. "Dammit, Shepard," he said between gritted teeth, "Just go ahead!" She hoped she understood his signal. He drew the line at asking to be carried, but if he could make it sound like her idea. She got the hint. In moments he was in her arms again and she carried him to the shuttle.

She set him inside, and he noted she was gentle, as though sorry for breaking his arm. He helped her as much as he could. Then another explosion rocked the ship and she was thrown back, away from him. "Commander! He shouted, trying to move towards her, but unable to. He reached towards her anyway, as though somehow his extending a hand could bring her back to safety.

She grabbed a support beam before she flew too far away and clung for a moment, as though weighing her chances of getting back to the shuttle. Then she looked right at him, meeting his gaze firmly. Even through her helmet he could see her brown eyes asking him to trust her again. "Shepard!" he actually screamed her name this time as he watched her tap the door control with her fingertips, seconds before another blast carried her away.

His pod was ejected and he drifted helplessly out into space. He couldn't see her, though he looked desperately through the tiny porthole window. She had to be out there! He could pilot anything, he could make this tub work for him and go pick her up! He could save her! He wasn't thinking about his ship any more. He'd forgotten the Normandy as she burst and broke apart, scattering pieces like paper on the wind. He had to find Shepard. He didn't stop searching until he felt a lurch as he was picked up by a larger ship. An Alliance vessel had come and found them.

In moments Joker was rushed to a medical bay, where he looked in vain for her. He saw everyone, all the old crew. Garrus, Tali, Liara, Wrex, Kaiden and Adams, but no Shepard. He let the medics patch up his broken arm, and didn't even notice the pain. He was still trying to process all that had happened. The person he'd lost. Now he kept getting this weird, though welcome, feeling that he would see her again. Even as Tali began to cry and Garrus punched a bulkhead. He felt a sort of calm. Almost as though she was there, assuring him that she would be back. Rise from the rubble as she always did.

Joker reached around and pulled something from his belt. It was his hat. He held it up, brim facing towards himself, shaking off some of the dust. Then he moved to put it on, but hesitated. He tapped the brim with two fingers, just enough to nudge the cap slightly. She'd be back. He trusted her.


End file.
